he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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