i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
