either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
