dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
