My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
