Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
