be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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