my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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