i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
