I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
