He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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