Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
