dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
