u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
