When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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