I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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