put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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