Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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