I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
