So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
