just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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