I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
