sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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