she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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