girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
