My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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