Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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