So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
