you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
