hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
its not stalking. its research.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
