I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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