I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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