I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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