There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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