i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
