I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
