i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
