If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
