Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
