turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
