1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
