did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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