You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
