He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
