are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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