Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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