Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My penis needs a shock collar
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
