Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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