Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
