I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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